The Start of Something New
For my fellow millennials, the title of this blog post should harken back memories of Troy Bolton and Gabriella Montez singing their classic duet on New Year’s Eve in the opening sequence of High School Musical… It’s the beginning of a massive shift for Troy as he grapples with the fear around joining musical theater and how to balance that with his comfortable, familiar status as popular jock. This time of year, Troy’s dilemma of changing versus staying the same might resonate with many of us–and if you don’t get the reference, don’t worry, I’ll catch you up to speed.
With the new year fast approaching, it’s only natural to think about starting something new, and with that often comes fear and self-doubt. Right now, my Instagram feed is rife with influencers touting their virtual 2024 vision boards, fitness gurus pushing the newest “Hard 30” fad, and plenty of high school acquaintances sharing about their new jobs, new houses, and growing families.
Social media and hustle culture can make this time of year TOUGH as we compare and despair, second guessing our accomplishments and wondering what is best for us. And while we never want to compare ourselves to others or shame ourselves for our perceived setbacks, what can be critical to our fulfillment and well-being is to take a step back and ask ourselves: “Is there actually a change I’m wanting to make where I’m too afraid to take the first step?”. With all the content out there, it can be challenging to parse out the difference between feeling less than and feeling afraid to put yourself out there, and if you’re anything like me, the fear of trying something new can keep us stuck.
I recently found myself overwhelmed with the possibility of change in the form of a very exciting new job opportunity. While the concept of starting something new sounded great and intriguing in theory, when it came time to make the leap, I became paralyzed with indecision. Even if we’re not totally fulfilled, happy or content with our current situation, that situation is probably still comfortable and familiar–two things we are hardwired to enjoy and seek more of. When I wake up and go to a job that I don’t love, at least I know what to expect each day, so why would I want to do anything to welcome in the unfamiliar?
Unsurprisingly, then, when I thought about making a change, in walked fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of new experiences, fear of being around people I don’t know and fear of change and fear of–okay, you get the point. I was freaked out. And, because I was freaked out, I stopped. I didn’t respond to emails and I procrastinated making a decision.
I was freaked out because my body had entered fight or flight mode and initiated a stress response, something that it has evolved to do over many millennia in the face of danger. This would have been really helpful if the job offer had been delivered by a venomous snake that took up residence in my living room, but as you can imagine, this was not the case. If I continued to avoid making a decision or decided to stay where I was comfortable, my brain would have missed the chance to adapt to this new experience that I was afraid of, and fear would have continued to rule my world. By avoiding things we fear (where we’ve noticed that the fear doesn’t fit the facts of the situation), we are teaching our brain to continue viewing similar stimuli or situations as threats. That would mean the next time I was presented with a similar opportunity for change, the fear and anxiety would come back even stronger! And the cycle of staying within the familiar and comfortable continues.
Instead of listening to my fear, I took the leap. I acted opposite to what my fear was telling me to do, since I knew it wasn’t justified. Here are some DBT-inspired tips that helped me as I navigated the difficulties of starting something new:
Making a pros and cons list. This allowed me to see that the cons of leaving my old job were outweighed by the pros of starting an old job–I was letting fear get in the way while ignoring the potential positives!
Checking the facts. This was a new job–not a drastic, life altering move to a non-English speaking country, for instance. It was crucial for me to stick to the facts of my new experience, which included reminding myself that everything is temporary and I have tackled difficult challenges in the past.
Taking things one step at a time. I started by responding to an email I had been avoiding. Thinking about all the elements that make up new beginnings can be so overwhelming that we can’t even get started, so making checklists with simple, small goals can be a great way to get started.
Just because it’s the new year doesn’t mean anything has to change in your life, and certainly not because you’ve been comparing yourself to others and feel that you’re falling short. Take the time to assess what your goals, values, and desires are, and notice if fear is holding you back from achieving any of them.
I would have missed out on a whole host of incredible opportunities (including writing this blog!) if I had continued to allow fear to run the show. I embraced my inner Troy Bolton and started something new, with some DBT skills and a supportive network to help me get there.